How to Masturbate Without Getting Caught

As told by a woman who lives in a studio apartment with her boyfriend

Besides drinking wine and silently judging others, masturbating is one of my favorite pastimes. It doesn’t matter if I’m watching porn, rubbing one out on the couch, or simply falling asleep to the sound of my twiddling fingers — masturbating has always been my activity of choice.

But that has recently changed. You see, I moved in with my boyfriend a few months ago. And since then, it’s difficult to find a time and a place to butter my hair muffin in peace.

We live in a cozy but cramped studio apartment, which means our bed is just sitting in the middle of the room. There are no obtrusive walls or doors (except to the bathroom, of course), and definitely no separate rooms to hide inside. No matter where you stand in the room, you can literally see whoever else is in the apartment.

On top of that — my boyfriend and I both work from home.

But as a determined horny woman, I wasn’t going to let some claustrophobic shoebox prevent me from fingerprinting my pink. Because as much as I love sex, no one can make me orgasm like myself.

Being able to masturbate without getting caught is one of life’s most difficult challenges. But like the great Christina Aguilar once said, “The roughest roads often lead to the top.”

This method is great for beginners, although it does take a bit of effort.

Offer to cook dinner for your boyfriend. It’s important that you do this task by yourself because you’ll need to ask him for a favor later. Make sure you choose something complicated to cook — the more ingredients the better.

Chicken soup is a good choice. Fill up the trash can with as many onion skins, carrot tops, garlic peels, and celery leaves. The goal is to fill the trash can as high as you can. Chicken bones also work wonders because they start to stink up the room immediately.

Tell your boyfriend the trash is full, and ask him politely to take it outside or to the basement of your building. You can’t do it because you have to stir the soup every three minutes, as the recipe says.

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