Why Was Cruella Two Hours Long?

One of many questions we must all try to answer

The first question we must all try to answer is, “What else did this fucker direct?” Always a good place to start right? In 2007 Craig Gillespie brought us Lars and the Real Girl. Sure I’m always up for a full-length feature about a sex doll. What else? I could have caught Million Dollar Arm on an airplane but my headphones weren’t working on that flight. There’s also I, Tonya which was a commendable achievement. Ok, Mr. Gillespie you are employable.

The next important question we must try to answer is, “What else have these fuckers been in?” A good chubby henchman is hard to find so you might as well repurpose the same chubby henchman from I, Tonya. Makes sense to me.

Mark Stong? Again? This fucking guy? I thought I informed all Hollywood casting agents to lay off using Mark Strong for a while, but supposedly some of you missed the memo. Jamie Demetriou is here playing a department store manager. Did he get tired of sleeping with Phoebe Waller-Bridge? Hard to imagine but nice to see you again.

Is Wikipedia lying to me or is John McCrea the first openly gay character in a Disney flick? Wow, that took a long time. I guess Emma Thompson is going going to just keep doing this Saving Mr. Banks kind of shit for the rest of her life.

And you? Miss Emma Stone?!? What do you have to say for yourself little miss La La Land? Let me just jump ahead and say that the best thing about Cruella is that nobody is going to mistake it for Oscar material. Holy shit did La La Land receive far too many Oscar nominations. I’m still sickened by this.

Someone try reshooting that movie with a different composer and a male lead who can sing. Use the whole cast of Glee I don’t care what you do. A whimsical fantasy musical about people being young and beautiful in L.A. is one thing, but you stretch all boundaries of credulity by having us believe that a jazz musician could ever own his own club.

What were we talking about? Yes, I was wondering why Cruella was two hours and fifteen minutes long. What are the coronavirus variant dashboards telling you about spending that amount of time in a movie theatre? Does anyone really know what’s happening with the delta variant at…

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